Hi, I’m Koalani — postpartum depression and I know each other intimately. And not just because I’m a therapist.
Pregnancy Wasn't What I Imagined
When I first got pregnant, I was over the moon excited. It took us 5 months to finally conceive, and while that may seem like a short amount of time compared to the journeys of others, it was the most excruciating 5 months of waiting that I had experienced. I remember Christmas morning, receiving a text message from my dearest friends with a picture of a sonogram, announcing that they were pregnant. Cue the next scene of me sitting with my knees tucked to my chest, sobbing on the bathroom floor. I was happy for my friends, and also so sad that this wasn’t my news to share. Fast forward 2 weeks later, and I was happy to announce to my husband that there were two strips of pink on the pregnancy test. I was pregnant! I was pregnant, and there was so much I was looking forward to (or so I thought)…the year was 2020!
Shortly after we found out we were having a boy, the world got news of a little virus called COVID. The world shut down. I went from feeling emotionally lonely while I was trying to conceive to now, quite literally, being physically alone.
My first baby shower was a drive-by-and-wave party. My husband waited in the car while I attended my OBGYN appointments alone. The first time he heard our son’s heartbeat was through a video recording on my phone. Everything I had envisioned about what this experience would be like became nothing more than a fantasy. But I kept doing my daily walks, took BodyFit by Amy perinatal fitness classes on YouTube, and unapologetically ate all the pizza and hamburgers that I was craving.
Then Postpartum Happened
When my son was born via C-section, I thought I knew what postpartum would be like. I was a therapist. I worked in perinatal mental health, taught classes on what to expect when you’re expecting. I knew the signs. I knew what to look for. What nobody warned me about was how hard the physical recovery from having a C-section would be on me. That my breastfeeding journey would be one of raw nipples, mastitis, and feeding strikes by my son that left me in a state of panic about whether or not he was getting enough milk. Come to find out that my son had lip, tongue, and cheek ties. I didn’t bond with my son right away. I loved him, I felt gratitude, and yet felt like I was just going through the motions.
I Knew the Signs. I Still Struggled.
I was drowning in anxiety, carrying the weight of a pregnancy and delivery that went nothing like I had planned, and overwhelmed with the feeling that I was failing. How could I not be one of those mothers who cried tears of joy the moment her baby was put in her arms? I felt angry and resentful toward my husband. I would even hit him awake for an early morning feed, even though I was exclusively breastfeeding; “If I have to be awake, well then so do you.” Something had to change. I started looking for something that told me I wasn’t alone in those feelings, and I found my therapist. And 6 years later, she’s still my therapist.
I Found the Support I Needed
I felt grateful for a space where I could show up in all of my postpartum messiness and exhaustion. I could speak openly without judgment, and have an actual human on the other side of the screen who welcomed my tears, my grief, as well as my baby monitor next to me while we met.
Why I Became the Therapist I Needed
After I had my second son two years later, and navigated another round of hyperemesis gravidarum, another C-section recovery, lip, tongue, and cheek ties while exclusively breastfeeding, and all the twists and turns of having a newborn and a toddler, I decided to be a support for moms that I so desperately needed and found refuge in with my own therapist. To be an actual human in their corner who understands the clinical side and the lived reality. Someone who understands the mental load, the overwhelm, the guilt, the mom rage, Type A perfectionism, and the identity loss that nobody prepares you for. I’m not just a therapist. I’m someone who gets it. Who has lived it. I’m still living it. And I promise you that there is nothing you’re feeling that will surprise or scare me.
You Don't Have to Be Falling Apart to Ask for Help
Maybe postpartum hasn't looked the way you expected. Maybe you love your baby and still feel overwhelmed. Maybe you're anxious, angry, exhausted, touched out, or wondering where you went. Maybe you keep telling yourself you should be handling it better.
You don't have to wait until things get unbearable to reach out.
You can bring the messy parts here.
About Koalani Lahr, LMFT
Koalani is a San Diego postpartum and anxiety therapist who provides in-person therapy in Sorrento Valley and virtual therapy throughout California.